i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
