and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
