I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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