so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
