If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
