You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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