hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
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I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
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Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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