Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
