I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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