She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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