Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
