At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
