today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
