If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
