Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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