Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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