He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
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