There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
