she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
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he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
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And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
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