i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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