I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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