I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
