he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
