Swine flu is the new snow day.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
