You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
