She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
