Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
