after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
