that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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