captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
