I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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