look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
