Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
