On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
