My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
