shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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