I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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