Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Randomize
