i don't like sucking hair
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
