you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
