I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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