you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
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Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single