M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going