Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
