I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i think my cat just said my name.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
