I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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