You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
