It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
