you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
