Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
