I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
