tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
