i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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