I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
