You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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