Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
