So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
