i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I'm always down for nudity.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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