I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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