So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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