Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
