her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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