You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
