How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
